Questions frame and guide our focus. And our focus changes how we feel.
I could ask you to picture the front door of your childhood home.
Or I could ask you to think about your first break up.
In some ways, neither of those ‘existed’ for you before the question took you there.
Careful the questions you ask.
I like thinking about the true meaning of words.
We overuse many words- I think we all went through a phase of saying everything was “raaaandom”
One that really get’s thrown around is “awesome”… and look I don’t mind it.
But remember what it means. Awesome. The thing you’re referring to makes you feel awe. It is literally awe inspiring. It’s not ‘neat’ it invokes AWE.
I think that’s awesome.
Film makers use frames to tell a story.
Painters use them to contain their window into another world.
Architects use them to direct our gaze
And we get to use them to dictate how we feel and what we do.
What frame do you want to put on this experience? What story do you want to tell yourself?
Change your frame, change your life.
One of my favourite things about acting is we have to make something that isn’t real feel authentic.
You don’t do that by being really good at lying, by the way. You do that by being really good at being real.
Actors aren’t liars, they’re truth tellers.
I’m amazed at how authenticity cuts through. I watch a video of a thought leader I really respect and I can feel their words, I understand them not from their words, but the heart behind the words.
Authenticity cuts through. We can get caught up in trying to make things slick or perfect but at the end of it all, if your intentions are pure and in congruence with what you’re trying to do. It’ll come through.
It’s the great gift us humans have. We don’t need you to be perfect, we can feel you.
We’re made of blood and bones and our hearts are running all the time.
We can feel you.
One of the simplest shifts in language has massively changed my life.
I found myself saying things like “I have to do the show tonight” or “I have to go to that meeting”.
Shows and meetings are part of the life I’ve designed for myself- so “have to” doesn’t ring as true for me.
“Have to” is against your will. It’s reluctant. It’s “Okay, fine I’ll do that”
None of these belong in the life I want. And the good news is, we can use language te remind ourselves each moment that we have a choice.
Switch your “have to” to a “get to”.
“I get to do the show tonight”
“I get to go to that meeting”
Look at all you get to do. How lucky are we?
Well it might be the wrong question. There’s only efficiently achieving an outcome or not.
A better question might be what should I focus on and how can I use my resources to achieve it?
When I feel nervous in front of an audience, my focus is inevitably on trying to be liked by them. That is a focus that is pretty guaranteed to dull someone’s confidence.
A more effective focus? To help these people understand what I’m talking about. Or to listen intently to the people in the room.
Confidence is a by product of placing your focus elsewhere.
We all have rules whether we know them or not.
We have rules for what has to happen for us to feel successful, to have fun or to feel appreciated.
A good way of finding your rules is to ask yourself: “What has to happen in order for me to feel ____”
And put any desired state in there…
To feel appreciated, for instance you might have to be told you’re awesome, or you might need people to see the work you’ve done and know how long it took you. Or you might be one of the lucky ones who just need to look at themselves in the mirror and smile to feel appreciated.
I say ‘lucky ones’… but the truth is, we’re in charge of our rules.
There’s nothing that says you can’t feel successful every time you take 5 minutes to be grateful.
There’s no rule that says you can’t feel deeply valued every time you show someone else they are deeply valued.
We’re the bosses, y’all. We get to choose the rules.
And while we’re at it, we might as well set ourselves and others up to win.
Do you know the feeling of being unbelievably motivated to do something?
Its the feeling of inspiration when you first decide to do something. You’re there at the finish line when a friend comletes a marathon. You’re in the audience at an award show. You attend a concert and imagine yourself up there performing.
There’s that feeling- “YES! I will do that too”
It’s a powerful feeling. You’re completely associated to the feeling of the goal.
And at that time it isn’t just a goal, it’s a visceral sensation. A pull that can be unstoppable- no one could change your mind at that time.
The further we get from that moment, the more we get disassociated with that powerful feeling.
The trick, then, is to somehow stay connected to that feeling.
It’s like a plug. The vacuum works perfectly when it’s plugged into the power source. The moment it’s unplugged… it stops. The further from the socket it gets the more useless it becomes.
The vacuum needs the plug. We need to re-associate constantly with that initial experience.
Find your way of doing this and don’t stop for anybody.
So many things happen to you and around you on a daily basis.
If you wanted to you could find tiny moments that you love.
Little instances of joy.
Micro snaps of magic.
They are there but only if you look. And it’s easy not to look. I’m enjoying journaling as a way of catching them before they’re forgotten forever.
You don’t have to journal- but I’m inviting you to create some way of catching these as well.
We all have rules.
Rules that state what has to happen for us to feel a certain way or experience a valued state.
What has to happen for you to feel like a valued team member? Questions like this will help you uncover your rules, by the way.
You might discover they empower you or you might discover they’re quite difficult to meet.
In order to feel like a success, for instance, you might have a rule that says people need to tell you you’re great all the time. This rule is good when it’s met, but you could end up feeling pretty bad when you don’t receive that external validation.
It’s worthwhile exploring our rules, I’ve found most of my discomfort or upsets in life stem from rules that are not setting me up to win.
Here’s the question again to help you find yours:
What has to happen(rule) in order for you to feel X (value/ desired end state)?
You’re the game master and you get to make the rules.
