Most things are comfortable in theory.
We can follow through, we can be vulnerable, we can take rejection, we can weather failure easily….
… in theory.
It’s why they say talk is cheap.
It’s really easy to talk about the hard stuff in the abstract. “Someday if things are hard…” or “if this ever did happen…”
When it comes to the moment, how can you be sure we can still make good on your talk?
Some of the most sought after things have indirect paths. I’ve heard it described like a cat- the more you chase it, the further away it runs.
Its difficult to relax by pushing or forcing it- an action directed toward that outcome is counter to it’s realisation.
The same goes for money. If you chase money you will rarely find it.
If you want to be liked by others, you won’t get there by focussing on being liked by others.
If an actor wants a scene to land as sad, they don’t go for the emotion.
Great results come from indirect paths.
To relax we have to let go. To gain financial abundance we must create value. To be liked by others we must care for them in a way that speaks to them. To play the sad scene, the actor must fight tooth and nail to hold on.
What are you going for directly that actually requires an alternate route?
This is one of my favourite acting ideas. I heard it first in an early interview with Jeff Goldblum and he had learned it from his teacher Sanford Meisner.
It’s the idea that as actors one of our key jobs is to put our focus outwardly, on the world, the task and, most beautifully, on our scene partner.
They say there’s nothing more captivating than watching someone tying their shoes. They are unselfconscious and completely wrapped up in their simple objective- tying their shoe.
This is the gold standard we are going for as actors. We want to honestly have our focus, energy and intention on doing something.
I say ‘honestly’ because we must fight the natural human urge to be liked and thought of as good. And there’s the extra thing for actors of auditioning, where we have to somehow forget we are seeking to be cast.
Part of acting is learning to ‘honestly’ place our focus.
That’s it.
It’s riveting when someone does that. Don’t worry about being interesting, get interested.
In te reo the word for small is iti.
It’s such a cute word. There’s also a word for making something small:
‘Whakaiti’
‘Whaka’ means to ‘do’ or ‘make’.
‘Iti’ means ‘small’.
To ‘whakaiti’ a person is to make them small. I love the simplicity of that translation. I don’t, however, love what it represents.
Making people small is, unfortunately, really common these days. Couples make jokes at the expense of their significant other, we laugh at peoples attempts or push them down when they try something new.
What we should aim to do is make people big: to whakanui them. That is, to shine a light on them. Uphold their mana. Listen when they want to be seen anew. Celebrate them and support them.
Remember, it’s not always obvious if what you’re doing is a whakaiti or a whakanui. And it might seem like a little joke here and there doesn’t matter…
But one cut still draws blood.
Here’s a simple question if you’re unsure: is what I’m saying or doing honouring the fullness of this human being, or shrinking them down for a quick laugh or aside?
It’s easy to whakaiti someone. But it takes real guts to make others big, celerbrate them and honour them no matter what.
When people make jokes about other people, they say it’s throwing them under the bus.
Why do we do this?
This kind of humour is easy- it’s like junk food. It might taste good- get a little laugh- and it may bring you closer to other people in the environment…
But it’s junk food. It’s trash and we shouldn’t eat it.
Let’s not throw people under the bus for a quick laugh or some cheap connection.
Let’s put them on the bus and give them a bunch of flowers.
Things are better when they line up.
My least favourite phrase people say is “Do as I say, not as I do”. Why should I do what you say if you hold yourself to a different standard?
To lead, we have to be trusted and to be trusted we have to be congruent. And to be congruent we have to be clear. Clear on our values, standards and boundaries.
The leaders I admire most walk the talk.
Their actions match their words, their words match their beliefs and their beliefs match their values.
It all lines up.
Not only do we trust these people more, but they have more leverage to make things happen in the world.
Why?
Alignment is strong. Congruence is king.
Here’s a fun game.
Pick someone who inspires you. Some well known person who you would love to emulate and who’s ‘awesomeness’ seems unattainable to you.
Got one? Great! Now go and find a long form interview with them. Now, don’t listen for entertainment, listen like a detective.
Listen to their story and the answers to the questions and dig beneath what they are saying. You are looking for key beliefs.
What do they beleive about themselves?
How do they see the world?
How do they talk about life? Is it a game, a challenge, a battle or a work of art?
How do they talk about themselves?
How do they view work?
What do they believe about productivity?
What is the most important thing to them in their work?
What are they hunting for?
Most often, they won’t overtly answer these, but you can infer the answers based on what they do say and how they say it. Sift through and find the gold.
You are deconstructing the belief structures that make them who they are and allow them to get the results they get.
Here’s the interesting part. Ask yourself this:
Where do my beliefs differ? What belief do they hold that yI do not? Is it one that is a cornerstone to their success?
Perhaps you see life as a battle, something to be survived. Perhaps they see life as a dance floor to be tangoed through.
Are you willing to try on new beliefs? Are you willing to adopt the structures that support them?
The pathway is laid out for you.
Be a belief thief.
They make you smile, they make you feel heard and they make you want to shout “Heck yes!” when they share their vision for the world.
They aren’t magnetic because of any communication tricks or hacks- sure, they may have honed their craft, but theirs is an elementally magnetic core.
Where does it come from? Like most delicious meals, it’s a balance of all the good stuff.
Here are some of the raw materials:
A listener.
This person has the ability to deeply listen to people with both brain and heart.
A purpose.
This person has a burning purpose that will cut through anything. This might be a grand vision for change or something that leads them to hold down their corner of the world and enact the purpose daily.
Values
This person has a strong set of values. Values that make decisions for them.
We not me.
This person is not out for themselves. They understand that a win for you is a win for me. They know that there is no feeling greater than lifting up others.
Leverage.
This person makes big things happen with short conversations.
Abundance.
This person knows there is more than enough.
We need magnets in the world.
We need you to be one and we need you to create them.
What causes growth?
Weet-bix!
Yes, lot’s of things. And growth is life. (So weet-bix is life)
Here’s something else that causes growth. Florence Pugh was asked how she chooses what projects she wants to be a part of.
She said she is looking for something that scares her, something that on first reading she fears she might not be able to do.
Florence is looking for the “pang of nerves’” as she calls it when reading a script or learning about a project for the first time.
She’s feeling into her limits. She knows that if she feels that pang, she’ll probably end up doing that project.
With an orientation like this, she is predisposed to growth. She’s on the hunt for what scares her, whether it’s jumping off a building or working with acting royalty; the minute she feels that lump in her stomach, the deal is done.
This is insanely brave. How often do we feel that same pang and avoid it? I know I avoid it all the time.
What is it to lean into it instead? How can we transform that stomach drop moment to mean massive growth is about to happen?
My parent’s live right on the water- it’s gorgeous at full tide. When you stand at in a certain spot and look out at the view, you literally feel like you’re on a boat.
I’ve struggled a bit with low tide. It goes quite a way out, and it gets muddy and rocky. I much preferred the high tide view.
Because I saw it like that, it meant I could only be happy about the view half the time. I felt lucky when it was full tide and like the low tide was something to be tolerated.
Today during the lowest tide I went for a mid afternoon stroll along the small beach. It was shelly, muddy, wet and rocky. And I loved it.
I realised how mean I had been to the low tide!
I realised that, like the best things in, life it’s win win.
On high tide I get that beautiful view I love so much. And low tide I get a long stretch to walk along to reset during the day.
I win either way.
I wonder what other losses I could make into wins?
